"You Didn't Expect To Hear That"

One of the things that appealed to me about writing a blog was being able to share my thoughts and put them into writing.  Sometimes, when I’m really passionate or emotional about a topic or situation, I actually start thinking as if I was writing.  That’s what been happening to me lately, so I am finding the need to share.    

It all started over a month ago when I noticed my son, Anthony (3 years, 4 months), rubbing his eyes.  He was rubbing so much and so hard that his face was getting all red and blotchy.  I took him to the pediatrician and she said it looked like a contact allergy.  That perhaps he had rubbed something on his face and he was having a reaction to it.  I couldn’t think of what it could have possibly been since he hadn’t been in contact with anything different lately.  I used the cream she prescribed and the redness on his face went away.  After about a week, he was still rubbing his eyes.  I brought my youngest for his monthly check-up at the pediatrician and mentioned it to her.  She suggested that I bring him to a pediatric ophthalmologist and then said a phrase that I have heard her say at yearly check-ups before – “you know, it’s never too early to get a good eye exam.”  I had actually made an appointment for Anthony over the summer to have an eye exam.  When I made the appointment, the receptionist had told me that they would have to dilate his eyes and the appointment would take about 2 hours.  I thought about it, called back and cancelled the appointment.  I must be out of my mind to bring a two year old to a two hour appointment at 8 months pregnant when there wasn’t any real cause for concern. 

Back to a few weeks ago, I once again made the appointment for the eye exam.  The eye rubbing continued to get worse and worse.  I had to wait two weeks for any appointment.  I called back and begged for them to get me in sooner – a week and a half to wait now.  I thought that the eye rubbing may have been due to an allergy or just dry eyes.  I wondered whether I should actually be going to an allergist.  I ran a humidifier all day to moisten the air and even tried to relieve his rubbing with eye drops.  A few days before our appointment, he seemed to be rubbing less and less.  I considered cancelling the appointment, but didn’t.  I packed a bag full of snacks, books, and the iPad to keep Anthony busy during the appointment and what I was told would also be a long wait to see the doctor.

 The office had a huge fish tank with tropical fish that Anthony loved.  I sat there looking at the frames on display and all the other children running around in the office and naively thought, “Wow, imagine Anthony will need glasses one day.  These poor parents that have to bring their children here all the time to check their eyeglass prescriptions.  Wait in this office.  That must be really rough – another thing on a parent’s never ending to-do list.”  We were seen after about a 45 minute wait.  The technician showed him pictures, testing each eye.  He seemed to be able to name them all.  Then she put the drops in his eyes to dilate them, which he hated.  We had to come back in 40 minutes so we had a snack at Dunkin Donuts and waited some more.  When we were called again, the next technician took pictures of his eyes and he was so cooperative.  I was really proud of him.  Then it was time to see the doctor.  She looked in his eyes with a light and a special scope and had him look at a crazy flashing  light. 

Then, things started to get confusing for me.  She took out a pair of glasses and started showing him pictures trying different lenses and asking him to name what he saw.  All I could think was, “Why is she trying different lenses.  It’s not like he needs glasses.  She must just be checking.  Maybe they are just clear lenses.”  Anthony continued to be completely cooperative and pleased with himself for the good job he was doing and the praise the doctor was giving him.  She put those silly glasses away, turned to me, and said, “So, he should be wearing glasses.”  I can’t explain the shock that I felt.  I was so surprised and my very emotional reaction surprised me as well.  My eyes filled up with tears.  I could hear her voice and select words but really had no idea what she was saying.  We weren’t there to get glasses.  Anthony could see perfectly fine.  He’s only three.  I was reminded of an audiology class that I once took.  The professor asked, “You have just told a parent that their child has a hearing loss.  What should you say next?”  Hands in the class went up and the professor listened to the responses – “explain the severity of the hearing loss,” “give the parent an information booklet on hearing loss,” “explain the audiogram,” “tell them how to go about getting a hearing aid.”  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  “Once you tell a parent their child has a hearing loss, you say nothing because they won’t know what you’re saying after that moment.  They are not ready for information.  They will contact you when they are armed with questions and ready for answers.”  I was THAT parent in THAT moment.  I looked at the doctor, trying to fight back my tears and keep it together so that Anthony wouldn’t see me upset, “I’m sorry.  Can you say all that again?”  She said, “Sure.  You didn’t expect to hear that.”  No. 

The second time around, I listened a  bit more and asked a few questions but it wasn’t until I called the doctor back two days later that I really got a complete understanding of what was going on.  Anthony has astigmatism in both eyes, as well as, anisometrophia.  Basically, his right eye takes a longer time to focus than the left eye.  It hasn’t severely affected his actual vision yet, however it will make it difficult for his vision to develop normally as he grows.  Left untreated, his right eye may start to drift.  My husband had surgery in 4^th grade for what people commonly refer to as “lazy eye,” but only had to wear glasses for nearsightedness when he was in high school.  I knew that my husband’s condition did tend to run in family and I remember asking the pediatrician when Anthony was only a few months old whether or not his eye was turned out.  What I didn’t know was that “lazy eye” is something that can develop over time, which is why I never expected to hear anything about it at this ophthalmologist visit that was supposed to be to tell me that my son’s eyes were just very dry. 

I drove home feeling completely devastated.  I wished that I had cancelled the appointment.  I thought that maybe it was really fine and he didn’t need glasses.  That this doctor was just being ridiculous.  After all, he could see.  All of those thoughts and emotions were met by guilt and shame.  Anthony has to wear glasses.  I wear glasses.  It’s really not a big deal.  There are children out there with REAL problems.  REAL, SERIOUS problems.  There are parents who have children with disabilities that affect them through  all aspects of their life.  There are parents whose children will never talk, never walk…  There are parents of terminally ill children.  And I am crying over glasses.  What an idiot I was.  Despite these more rational thoughts, I couldn’t hold back my sadness and my anxiety of what was to come.  I already have enough to manage with three little ones – adding one more thing to the list wasn’t very appealing.  I could picture the battles in my mind – “Anthony, put on your glasses. Anthony, where are your glasses?  Anthony, be easy with your glasses.”  I brought Anthony home and put him to bed for his nap.  I looked at his sweet face and thought that pretty soon there would be a pair of glasses between my eyes and his.  I wouldn’t be looking directly into his eyes anymore – the sweet eyes that melted my heart since the day he was born.  There would be a sheet of glass over them.  Overly dramatic?  Totally.  Completely.  But the way I felt none the less.  I think when you become a mom it’s like having a piece of your heart walking around on two feet.  Anything that happens to them goes through you and you feel it deeper than you have felt anything in your life.  So the thought of my son having any one, simple challenge felt like so much more.  When I started googling (which is dangerous I know), I found some information that scared me ever more.  If the glasses didn’t help then patching his eye for a period of time each day would be next, and yes a surgery would be a possibility in the future.  I also found some information that comforted me.  I found a website called Little Four Eyes for parents with young children with glasses.  There were some stories there that were similar to my own, but what I found most comforting were the feelings that all of the moms expressed that matched my own.  I wasn’t crazy for all the emotions that I was going through.  Most moms felt the same way.  My pediatrician, who is as tough as nails, told me that she cried when she found out her daughter, at nine years old, needed glasses.  It made me feel better.  I knew I would get to a point where I would spring into action and start to be productive but I had to go through all these emotions first. 

And eventually I did.  I thought about what I did for my students when they were about  to experience something new and I did what I would do for them.  I ordered a children's book that was listed on the Little Four Eyes website and another that was about a character Anthony was really into who wanted to wear glasses. 

I REALLY ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE GLASSES  BY LAUREN CHILD:  Anthony and Michael have been into the show, Charlie & Lola on Disney Junior.  In this story, Lola has to get an eye exam and decides that she wants to have glasses.  In the end, it turns out Lola's vision is just fine and she makes a pretend pair of glasses for herself.  This may not be the perfect story since the character doesn't actually need glasses, but since Anthony loves the character and he gets to have something Lola can't, I think it served its purpose.

RANDY KAZANDY, WHERE ARE YOUR GLASSES?  BY RHONDA FISCHER:  Anthony loves this book.  The rhyming in the book makes it a lot of fun to read as well as listen to.  Little Randy Kazandy gets glasses and does everything in his power to get rid of them, but unfortunately for him, another pair always seems to turn up.  Randy Kazandy's opinion on wearing glasses changes when he learns that him and his dad have something in common now.

 

I created a book for him telling him about getting glasses, giving him rules for wearing glasses and also added some silly pictures of all of us wearing glasses and all the characters that he likes that wear glasses. 

 

Last, I put together a list of places to look for frames and on Saturday, we ordered my boy's first pair of glasses. 

Tomorrow is the big day.  We’ll pick up his frames (which he has been asking about all week – a good sign I hope!) and begin on a new little journey.  I am sure it will take some getting used to for all of us.  I’m anxious to see how my middle son, Michael, reacts to his big brother wearing glasses.  I can’t say that I’m still not sad about it.  I can still cry if I sit down and really think about it (crying typing this right now).  But I have a grip on it and I know it will be just fine.  Thanks for listening and I’ll be sure to post a picture of my handsome boy soon!

 

Love, Language & now Glasses ;)

 

Marisa